A Funny Take On This Quote Unquote Sex Drought Thing

I’m in her room, candles lit, Drake crooning in the background (a little weird but I’m rolling), I’m naked, she’s naked. So far so good.

I mean, that’s what I had in mind right before I was struggling with this Trojan.

I think she thinks I’m still a virgin by now. We barely know each other but this candid moment makes me feel like I knew her forever.

next article: I Went To A Swingers Club And I Actually Enjoyed It

Ain’t it funny the circumstances you find yourself into when you swipe someone’s profile & she swipes back?

Is it luck? My ”Swiping” finger never disappoints.

Fuck all that, I got to figure out this Trojan thing first.

I bite the corners of that condom like a dog with the annoying-squeekie-tweekie-toy in his mouth.

Now the condom is exactly where it should be (at least I got that part right).

I give her a look, she looks back at me; I got my socks on (yes, you read that part right).

I’m slowly laying on the bed  like a black panther about to attack.

Something rather unconventional happens.

I get an inbox from Facebook messenger.

Here I am with a dilemma that my generation probably faces everyday.

Here is this beautiful woman, nipples pointing at me as if to say ”Want A Sip?”.

Legs opened like ”Need A Bite?”

Tucked in my pants, which is actually on the floor at that point, here is my phone.

I’ve heard the ”Doodoodoooong” sound. Tough decisions man.

I can see Morpheus from the Matrix with his reflective glasses looking at us with a ”Whatchu Gon Do Now” face.

I would like to pay him no mind but the girl turned blue and my phone is on red ( that 4% battery struggle baby).

Neo had a choice to make and so did I.

He wanted out the Matrix, I went straight back in it.

Yes ladies and gents, I took the PHONE!

Disclaimer #1, I run a business so….only my clients can judge me.

Disclaimer#2, I did expect her to react negatively or to tell me to get out (as if that changes anything).

There was this unsaid-unheard understanding.

She actually went to her own phone while touching herself. that’s what modern women’s do!

My phone dies before I can even answer that inbox.

Her pupils grow double the size while she’s looking at hers.

I go down on her, none of us have a phone now.

You would’ve swear we were doing yoga on speed, the way we switched positions so fast.

I wanted to take my time though. She had ‘‘sleeping early tonight” in her IG stories a couple hours ago.

My old boss used to say ”Shut up! Go and get the job done” (no wonder why he’s my old boss).

After an hour and some change, the love was definitely done.

”Sleeping Early tonight” was almost a prophecy.

Don’t get it twisted, I held my own like a my old boss would’ve want me to.

Perhaps, I couldn’t swing my hips up and down or side to side knowing that I was cut from the world.

I  knew some was wrong, when my ears were trading the ”Ha-Haaaaa-Hum-Hummmms” for ”Doodoodoooongs”.

What was I missing? Did someone swiped my profile?

What my impressions looked like today?

Any free package on the way?

To be an influencer or not to be an influencer, that is the cancer!

I just couldn’t take it no more.

I faked having a cramp (yeah I took that one from you ladies’ book)

I’ve unplugged myself from her slowly.

Only to plug my phone a couple minutes later.

I know it’s not a subtle maneuver but once again there was that unsaid-unheard understanding between us.

Plus, she was kind enough to let me use her electricity and Wi-Fi none the less.

Drake was still crooning in the background. I’m naked, she’s naked but now we got covers on.

I’m scrolling through what seems like infinity and I’m like ”What Is Wrong With Me?”

As if she could read my mind, SHE went down on me this time, I let the phone down.

What ”Sleeping Early Tonight” meant, that wasn’t the case here.

She said she enjoyed the moment, I said ”same”.

I went back home.

She went back on Tinder. Well, I don’t know for sure but I know I would.

The next morning, I was reading an article in the Atlantic about an actual sex drought going for millennials like me.

Using my old-man-born-and-stuck-in-the-90’s voice, I said some like ”We used to be too busy fucking, now we’re too fucking busy”.

The article actually gives a lot of factors. Erectile dysfunction pops up a lot.

The hookup culture, lack of social skills.

Not to play Captain Obvious but the phones were also mentioned.

Dipping my tea bag like Sherlock Holmes,

I thought about me having to go down on this lady yesterday just to make her let the phone down.

One thing led to the next, I thought about the fact that I hadn’t had sex for like a month and a half before yesterday.

I wasn’t even thinking about it, now that’s ALL I can think of like I’m 16 again.

Thinking about swiping my finger again and again to fix that only to stop my ”Swiping Finger” in shock.

I said to myself ”But when did I had an actual real conversation with a woman?”.

Or existential questions like ”Do I know people further than their Instagram bios?!”

I felt like Isaac Newton under the tree even though my apple would be Siri these days.

I felt like Moses for a hot minute. Saving people from the trials and social mutilations of the internet.

Perhaps right before I could reach this ‘‘Budda-Mohammed-Of Nazareth” state, my phone was ringing.

Guess what? The yesterday girl was on the line talking about maybe being the today girl.

Is this what Tinder has come to? There are many droughts in the world.

Food droughts, water droughts, apparently morals droughts and now here

we are with this sex drought.

How to stop being too fucking busy all the way back to too busy fucking?

I don’t have the answer but if you go down on me and I happen

to let my phone down and start rewire my brain to think like a human being.

I might come up with a little something.