Here’s What I’ve Learned About Myself Since The Coronavirus Crisis Started
Let’s talk about the Rona
The Deeper Darker Conversation About The Coronavirus We Won’t But Will Have
As the world is going nuts, people losing their jobs, misinformation spreading like wildfire and your neighbor thinking he became Dr House overnight; I can’t help but to realize that this Coronavirus crisis stirs up something in me and the rest of the world that we all probably never had our finger on.
While you’re probably Quarantining & Chilling as you read this, I’ve spent most of this pandemic outside for work obligations.
Self-employment is great on paper, I swear it is.
You wake up when you want, nobody is barking at you about things you don’t really care about; I mean on paper it’s all fun and games untill…
Well! Until….you realize that it really takes a psycho to walk that path knowing that you’re on your own if shit hits the fan (or in such case if someone sneezes in your face perhaps).
This pandemic to me has a whole 9-11 vibe to it.
I was actually 11 at the time and I can remember vividly where I was and how I felt when the towers crashed.
One thing that stuck with me was how confused I was as to what this meant either for me or the rest of the world.
18 years later, I’m looking at this crisis with the Mom What Is This? expression on my face that my 11 year old self once had.
I was just like you, him and her at first.
I was laughing at the memes.
I was clicking on all the ”What The Government Don’t Tell Us..” links on Youtube.
I was giving myself a pad in the back because allegedly black people couldn’t get it.
Just like you, him and her; after the jokes faded,
SHIT GOT REAL (ACTUALLY TOO REAL)
Businesses shutting down, people ”strongly recommended” to stay at home and elderly people walking like Dexter cleaning a crime scene.
Celebrities getting it, Justin Trudeau‘s wife getting it, Trump being Trump and people just realizing that Instagram Live existed.
THEY SAID THE REVOLUTION WON’T BE TELEVISED BUT NOW I KNOW THE END OF THE WORLD WILL BE INSTAGRAMMED FOR SURE!
I often sound crazy in my delivery, my takes are wild and I have a unique perspective about life or what does or doesn’t matter to me.
Since I made a vow to tell the truth and nothing but the truth on this blog,, I won’t shy away from the fact that none of this really bothered me UNTIL my BOTTOM LINE got bothered.
I was losing clients left and right, couldn’t get payments for previous work done and I was contemplating homelessness in a foreseeable future (not really but anxiety will make me say anything).
If you read this, let me share with you a secret I only reveal either when I’m drunk or when the vein on my left temple is about the burst.
I look calm, cool and collected all the time but deep inside I’m what Stressed Eric would’ve looked like if his melanin percentage was higher.
I was literally walking around my apartment like a junkie hooked on both speed and morphine .
Sometimes I was rationalizing with the dumbest arguments and other times I was thinking about who to erase or to add on my last will.
Spent 2-3 days like this, dreamed about reincarnating Will Smith in ”I Am Legend” and then woke up sweating like a pig in the middle of the night.
I looked at myself in the mirror for a hot minute.
I looked tired, washed, overworked and defeated.
I went outside for a walk only to cruise down empty streets and somehow felt like Rick Grimes in Walking Dead when he first got out the hospital.
It wasn’t looking too good in my phone either. Reports, testimonies and alerts.
People arguing, people panicking, people laughing about people panicking and most of all people pointing out the people arguing over the people laughing about the people panicking.
In that instance my not-so-friendly-neighborhood felt so calm and safe.
I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, expired and something happened.
Something that was profound, meaningful and seem to come from an higher power.
It wasn’t in the physical form, it wasn’t something I could see, feel or touch,
It was a sentence, a mantra, my own version of ”I Have A Dream”.
Once I expired, the words came out effortlessly like a skilled choir singer hyperventilating for the whole congregation.
the words were:
It was a response to everything that was going in my head.
Short on money? Fuck it!
People are nuts? Fuck it!
The unknown is scary? Fuck it!
You look crazy screaming FUCK IT in the middle of the streets? Well Fuck it! Fuck it! Fuck it! And Fuck it again!
I never thought that 2 simple words could make me feel so free.
2 words I should’ve said earlier in situations that were not so crazy.
2 words that’ll follow me for the rest of my journey whenever shit hits the fan
Kanye West once told Sway that he didn’t have the answers and unfortunately for my avid readers, I don’t either.
I don’t know how long this Coronavirus thing is going to last.
I don’t know if the world is coming to an end.
I don’t know if the book 1984 was predicting what 2020 would be.
All I do know though is that everyday I have a choice to make.
I can choose to freak out or just take precautions.
I can choose to isolate myself or just reconnect with my people.
I can choose to worry or just hope for the best.
I can choose to pay attention to every report or just focus on what really matters to me.
One thing that the times we’re living in has taught me, is that we need to let go of the illusion of control.
You can be prepared all you want but my guess is that Coronavirus got you sidetracked still.
I try to focus on the good whenever the good, the bad and the ugly comes up.
Spending more time home made me realize how much I didn’t took the time to actually make it home.
Seeing some of my closest people get paranoid or struggle made me realize how fragile life is.
Seeing politicians being politicians reminded me how we’re really all we got at the end.
Above all and probably the most important of it all:
”5$ For Gaz Is A Thing Again!”
All jokes aside and in closure, I don’t know if my newfound zen state is here to stay. I’m taking it day by day and trying not to make my heartbeat skip whenever someone coughs around me.
Somewhere I hope my experience can guide you through and if you’re still wondering what this whole Coronavirus is about, a good friend of mine recently did an interview with someone who caught it.